Chapter 3: The Holy Fountain

We travelled quickly with the pilgrims and arrived in the Valley of Holiness before sunset. All the people there were sad. I met the abbot.

“Hurry my son!” he said. “Save our valley or we will lose two hundred years of work. But do not use the devil’s magic!”

“I use only God’s work,” I said. “But what about Merlin?”

“He promised too. But please, try immediately,” answered the abbot.

“I can’t,” I said. “It is not fair. I must wait until Merlin stops.”

I asked to see the well. I made an inspection and realized that the well probably had a leak. I went down the well and saw there was a big hole at the bottom. That was the problem, but I had to wait for Merlin to stop.

The next day I decided to visit some hermits. They were all very dirty and very strange. One had chains. One was naked and black with dirt. One stood on a pillar and moved up and down. Eventually I attached a sewing machine to him and made shirts. It made a lot of money.

Soon Merlin decided to give in, so with my assistants I repaired the well and put in a pump. Then we made a tunnel for the water to flow outside too. I put down some fireworks. I called everyone and started the miracle. I said very big, strange, invented words. Everyone thought they were magic. Then I lit the fireworks, and the water started to flow it was a huge miracle!

Soon after, I asked if the monks wanted a bath. They were horrified: baths were forbidden because people having baths stopped the water in the past. But I told them it was a different problem that stopped the water, not the bath. They were very happy and loved the swimming pool I built for them to wash in.

One day I was walking in the valley when I heard a voice in a cave. It was one of my telephone operators! I asked to speak to Camelot and learned that the King and the Court were coming to visit the Valley.

When I returned to the monastery, I had a horrible surprise: a new giant magician! He said he knew what everyone was doing: the Emperor of the East, the Supreme Lord of Inde and others. Everyone believed him and was very surprised. I asked:

“What is my right hand doing?”

He didn’t know! He was very worried. No one had ever asked that sort of simple question before. Then I asked, “What is the king doing?”

He answered, “He is sleeping in the palace.”

Everyone was amazed, but I answered.

“He isn’t! He is travelling by horse! He will be here in three days!”

No one believed me, but I checked every day with my telephone operators, and when the king was arriving, I announced this to the abbot: people immediately stopped believing the false magician and believed me again.

It is not difficult to be a successful magician in King Arthur’s time, but it is hard work and you can’t rest!

When the King arrived, he told me about his new army. I was not happy. I had a military school and I wanted to make my students officers. But when we had an examination of the candidates, the nobles did not accept my men. They only accepted other nobles, who were stupid and ignorant. My men were very well prepared but they were not noble.

Another problem with these people and their strange ideas!

I had another idea: a new regiment consisting only of nobles, to keep them happy. And then the rest of the army made up of my soldiers, the real army. Everyone was happy.

I decided to go on a trip through the kingdom to see the general conditions. The King wanted to come too, and told me to wait. He had to do his ceremony. He touched the sick and cured them. Often it worked. People were convinced his touch was magic, and their belief made them better. The king did his best, he was a good man. The ceremony was very long and I was bored. He touched every sick person and gave them a coin. I decided to stop the gold coins and made copper ones. This saved the kingdom a lot of money.

During the touching ceremony, I saw another of my innovations, a newspaper! I was very happy with the result. It wasn’t perfect, and I wanted to improve it, but it was good enough and everyone was amazed by it. I was as proud of it as a mother of her new baby.

I suggested the king tell Queen Guenever of our departure but he was sad.

“When Sir Launcelot is here, the Queen doesn’t notice if I arrive or depart,” he said. I was sorry for him. I thought the Queen was beautiful but not very intelligent.

Later that evening I helped the king to dress himself as a peasant, ready for our journey into his kingdom. I cut his hair short: nobles had long hair cut short at the front, the peasants had short hair, and the slaves had long hair. I cut his hair like a peasant and gave him a long, simple tunic.

We left early in the morning. On the road, some noble people passed. I had to tell the king to bow to them. He didn’t know how to behave. He wasn’t good at bowing and one of the nobles tried to hit him. I stepped in and he whipped me instead. Next, we met two knights. The king did not move off the road. He didn’t understand that peasants had no rights, he believed the knights would ride round him. They didn’t. They insulted the king who answered. This made them furious. To save the situation I insulted them more. They turned and started to attack us, so I threw some dynamite at them and they exploded! The king thought it was magic. I told him I could not repeat it another time. He said:

“You must read my thoughts and stop me before I make mistakes.”

“I can’t,” I answered. He was amazed.

“But Merlin can!” he said. I realized I had made a mistake. I said:

“Merlin can see a few minutes into the future. I can see centuries into the future. I don’t bother with small prophecy like Merlin.”

He was convinced.